Pro-Life Nebraska is pleased to announce the Golden Kleenex Award, presented to an anti-abortion sperm producer who has made a significant contribution to the cause of preventing irresponsible ejaculation.
In Nebraska we can think of no anti-choice sperm producer more worthy of the Golden Kleenex Award than former Nebraska State Senator Bill Kintner.
Mr. Kintner moved to Nebraska from Ohio with his wife, whom Governor Pete Ricketts hired as an advisor. Despite a native intelligence that can only be described as molluskan and the political cunning of Patrick Star, Kintner quickly worked his way into the state legislature, where the “pro life” statesman advocated against abortion and for Stand Your Ground laws.
Kintner told the Lincoln Journal Star that he thinks the “biggest mystery” is women: “Women. No one understands them. They don’t even understand themselves. Books and books and books have been written about it [sic], and no one understands it.” After the Women’s March in January 2017, Kintner tweeted that some women were safe from sexual assault because he finds them so ugly, which led to his resignation.
None of this would be all that remarkable for an anti-abortion politician–if it weren’t for the climax of his career a couple years earlier. While on a work trip, Bill Kintner was recorded by an online scammer as he masturbated for a woman he called “smoking hot.” He promptly confessed to law enforcement just as Christ would, he explained.
We applaud anti-abortion former State Senator Bill Kintner for launching his wad into the infertile nooks and crannies of his laptop, where it ran zero risk of causing an abortion. While his career certainly took a pounding, he at least responsibly ejaculated nowhere near an actual human vagina. For this singular accomplishment we deem him the first Pro-Life Nebraska Winner of the Golden Kleenex Award!